This is no joke!

I am super excited about April. Not only is this my favorite time of year (sun, heat, happiness), but it is also the month that Josh and I officially start on what I am sure will be a very cool journey.

Here is a little bit of the back story to what I am going to tell you. We conceived Madelyn through in vitro fertilization (IVF) in November of 2008 after 3 years of trying and treatments. We used 3 embryos to get her and had 7 left over for future babies. At the start of this year we decided to use those embryos for another pregnancy. Unfortunately all seven embryos were unsuccessful.

Those are the brief facts. My feelings on the situation? Sad. I knew I wanted to have more kids. Madelyn has been such an incredible blessing in our life that I just couldn't wait to have more sassy bags of trouble running around my house. But Josh and I weren't quite sure how to move forward. We quickly narrowed our choices down to the two choices we were faced with in May of 2008. We could either adopt or go through IVF.

Those of you who walked the past journey with me knew I didn't have a good experience with the adoption lawyer we consulted with. I never felt comfortable with her and therefore was not feeling very comfortable with the idea of adoption. However, this time my mind keeps wandering back to adoption. Obviously I am NOT go with that particular agency, but I wasn't sure where to start. This is when things get pretty cool.

In the fall I was reconnected to an old friend named Molly through facebook. She went to my (huge) church and did a Holy Yoga class that I had been involved in every semester but the fall semester she was a part of it. I contacted her and asked if she was going to do the class in the spring because I would love to see her. She signed up and so we got to have a pretty cool conversation before yoga class started one day in January. During that conversation I told Molly that we started IVF again and she said they were adopting again, after having two adopted angels at home. They are so much fun! Anyway, after that initial conversation I did not see Molly for a few weeks. Once she did come back to class she had her newest little guy with her. But then I never saw her at class again.

After we found out our IVF was not successful and I knew I wanted to find out more about adoption, I contacted Molly to see if I could talk to her. I went to her house last night. M played with her kids, I got to hold her little boy, and we talked about my feelings and her family's story. It was a very powerful hour. I left her house feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. All my left over fears about adoption from the first pass at it had gone away and I was on to more positive thoughts. I had what I considered to be a game plan and a new friend to lean on for understanding and guidance. The whole process just didn't feel so overwhelming any more. And too bad Molly was there the whole time because I might have just stolen her baby boy from her. He is serious so precious. He just melted into my arms and was so relaxed the whole time Molly and I chatted. In fact, he smiled at me the minute I said hello. And yeah, that pretty much does it for me.

Once I was in the car driving home Molly called me and gave me some good advice. She said that I should go home and write down what had happened that day. She said that when you adopt you don't have doctor's appointments, blood work, ultra sounds, any of that. So you have to celebrate every little thing along the way. Yesterday was huge for me. I have wanted to adopt for a long time. I just got scared off the first time I pursued it. And I think God had other plans for me. But this time I was not comfortable with any other option. And I knew I wanted to grow our family. So adoption has now become the path for us. Who knows where the Lord may lead, but for now I wanted to make sure that kid knows that I am already praying and looking forward to the day that I can hold them in my arms. I may not be growing them inside of me, but there is a child out there who God has meant for our family. We don't know when or where they will come to us but we will document the experience of getting him or her just the same. Can you see why I am so excited??

So now for some answers to questions you may be thinking and commentary on what I am anticipating from the last time Josh and I went through this process.

1. Why not IVF again?

This is a question that many people have already asked. I will tell you that I would never, in a million years, give up the experience I had getting pregnant with Madelyn. I am actually very grateful to have been able to experience being pregnant and giving birth to a child that is half Josh and half myself. However, I was not very happy along the way. And I not sure many people even know to what extent it was hard for me to function during those years. I was constantly going to the doctor for one procedure after another. I was being pumped with pills, and shots that contained drugs that messed with my body and emotions, sometimes to the point that I felt like I need to be institutionalized. And again, I am not joking or even being dramatic. These are facts. I have said on multiple occasions that I would have out of body experiences. I would see my self doing things that were not cool. Acting in ways that were not appropriate, but I could not stop myself from doing them even though I knew I was acting crazy. And now that I am out of that craziness I am embarrassed about not being able to handle my emotions for years. Plus, when I was pregnant I was very sick and my body did not respond well to anything. I ended up 73 pounds gained, with pre-eclampsia, a c-section, and a baby in the NICU. NONE of those things were as glorious as I though they were going to be when I mourned not being able to get pregnant naturally. So the thought of going through all of that all over again just feels like too much to handle. And to be honest, seems entirely unnecessary. I did it once. And there are kids out there that need homes. So, if it saves me the doctor appointments, drugs/needles, 73 pounds and uncontrollable emotions, I am totally down for it.

2. Do I think I will love my adopted baby as much as Madelyn?

This is a fair question, and one that I have gotten only once. But thought it was good enough to share. Of course the answer is yes. In fact I was telling my mom that I love my friends kids so much that I would be happy to take any of them if ever I needed too. And I am serious. There were 9 babies born just the summer I had Madelyn. More before and even more since then. I have watched these kids grow up, and even though they are not my blood I can't stand it when they get sick or even hurt themselves on the play ground. I love them! So if given a child who God has entrusted to me to raise, I have no doubt that I will love them as much as any other kid I love.

3. For people who are not sure what to say...

Then my advice is to not say anything at all. Just give hugs, encourage us, pray for us, or meet me for yogurt. I don't care. Just don't feel obligated to have some fancy words of wisdom. And I am not being smart here I am just being sincere. Sometimes the best thing to do is ask about what is going on and just listen. When we were going through stuff the first time people would say the dumbest things. The fact is, we all have different perspectives and beliefs. And when you throw emotions into the game things can just get out of hand. Comments are misinterpreted and relationships get strained. So unless you really feel led to say something, don't. Let me give you an applicable example for this time around. When Josh and I were deciding between IVF and adoption the first time, a number of people would tell me stories about so and so who filled about adoption papers and then got pregnant. Or so and so adopted a number of kids and then got pregnant. Whatever the story was, the message was always the same, but I felt very strongly about two things. One, I didn't feel it was fair to whatever child we adopted if I was just going through the motions so that I may become pregnant with my own child. That didn't sit right. I wanted that child to know that we specifically wanted to adopt them. We were not hoping for someone else. Secondly, it made me feel as if everything I was doing to try to get pregnant was seen as unnecessary to whoever was telling me that story. If they truly felt that I could just be one of those people who filled out paper work/adopted a few kids and then become pregnant, that they didn't believe the very real things that were wrong with Josh and I. Like were just putting ourselves through craziness for nothing. I am positive that none of these things were meant by the people who were telling the story. But I hope you can see why I think saying nothing sometimes is better than making someone who already feels bad about a situation, feel worse. And please don't feel like you can't talk about this with me. You all know that I am a talker. I guess I just don't want to hear that maybe God didn't want us to have this or that. Or that I am not trusting Him. Or that I just need to have more faith. Or that I should just stop thinking about it or do nothing and something will pop into my lap. I would rather hear that you love me, support me, and pray for me. Sorry if I am too sassy...

4. So, how can we pray for you?

I am a worrier and I read into everything. I hate this about myself. But it is true. So here are some of my worries. I just ask that God allows me to release these.

- I worry that people won't love my kid like I do. It makes me worry when people ask if I think I will love my adopted kid the same as my "real" kid. Does that mean they see "real" and "adopted" as different? I see kids as blessings from God. Little people that we get to raise and love for a short time in the span of eternity. These kids are not mine, but have been entrusted to me and my care. But I freak a little when people talk about "real" versus "adopted". I don't want my kids to ever think I love one more than the other. I could care less about labels. I just hope everyone can feel the same way.

- I worry about the money. But more than that I worry about the anger that goes along with having to pay thousands of dollars to have a family when other people just shack up and boom. I went through this the first time with the IVF. In fact, one of the biggest reasons we chose IVF was because is was, slightly, cheaper. I just have a hard time knowing that I don;t have a retirement because I save my money for kids. Or that I don't get to do things other people get to do because I am saving money for kids. This is INCREDIBLY selfish I know. Believe me, I know. And I KNOW that God has blessed Josh and I. I really do know all this. But I can get really bitter about this every now and then. So I just ask that God helps me though that.

- I worry about more heartache. I can't tell you how many negative pregnancy tests I have taken. It makes my mind swirl just to try and think about that. All those months that I put in so much time, effort and money only to get disappointed. It just broke my heart over and over again. And to be honest, the pain was more than I could bear some nights. So, I just ask that God is present through any failures that might occur. Actually I ask that God protects me from whatever failures could be. I can pray specifically right? I feel like I am a strong person, but I might be a couple heart breaks from complete devastation. God knows what is best. But I can pray that everything goes perfectly. And then He can fill in the blanks...

- I do not worry about Josh. He is so level headed it makes me crazy. Ha! He does not want me to worry about any of the things listed above. He doesn't care about money and he is fairly certain that everyone will love our kids the way we do. However, he does not want to see me hurt any more. He doesn't want be hurt any more. He asks me all the time how I am doing. He very rarely tells me what he is thinking. He did say to me last night that he is excited to see me excited. So just pray that Josh and I can always be open and honest through this entire process.

5. Do you need anything?

Actually we do not right now. I know I just asked for prayers. And some people I have asked to just send over all adoption info they have, but I want to make sure we do not get overwhelmed with the whole process. So if we need something I will be sure to ask. Promise!

Okay. I know I am kind of all over the place. But I think that is pretty normal. Maybe not. Who cares? It is pretty apparent that I am not normal. And there is way too much going through my mind right now. Plus, when I get excited about something I just get chatty. So all and all, here's to our new little one, wherever they are. Let the journey begin!

Spring Break Fun!

The fam went to Texas for Spring Break. We had to see little Tayten of course! And it was so fun to see the entire extended family while we were there too. However, getting there was a bit of an experience.

The flight over consisted of two legs. Phoenix to Salt Lake and Salt Lake to Dallas with a 45 minute layover. Not too bad until M woke up that morning sick to her little stomach. She threw up on Josh and I 22 times. I counted. Mostly on me as she wanted to cuddle with mommy the whole time. I actually got pretty good at reading the signs right before she let loose. However, by that time the throw up was mostly liquid. So catching it was difficult to say the least. I actually arrived in Texas with dried throw up all over me. And smelled fantastic!

After a day of diarrhea and minor throwing up we decided to take her to the ER. It was 4am AZ time. So I was exhausted. But from what I can remember, the doctor said she had rotovirus (not sure if that is spelled right). Lucky for me it is only transferred orally and fecally. So I did not get it. I guess I washed my hands enough... She ended up being pretty normal after that appointment. Rotovirus goes quickly through the system. But it was scary.

Other than that, we actually had a great time. Went to the Children's Museum, a Dallas Stars game, had lunch with Meikka, Carson and Leah, went to the zoo, and then dinner at Uncle Tom's and Aunt Diana's with Brooke, Haley, Lexi, and Ashley. Madelyn loved those girls! She could care less for playing with kids her own age. But those girls were the highlight of her day for sure. I wish I had that interaction on video. So funny!

Here are some photos and videos from the trip:

Our Little Maid in Training!

My "little" Girl- the past three months

It has been WAY too long since I have last posted. I have been the worst blogger mommy the past three months. I am so sorry M (and those of you who actually follow this blog. Ha!) But here is a well, not so brief update.

December:

December flew by. Between my clients and Josh's band competing in the Fiesta Bowl, we ended 2010 with our heads in a fog. Promising each other that we won't do that again next December since we barely got to enjoy Christmas. Good thing Josh's parents and grandparents came to visit so we had a reason/excuse to not work as hard. We had a ton of fun with them. We went to the band competition, the boys went to the Insight Bowl and Fiesta Bowl, and the girls went shopping. Most of all we just hung out as a family It was fun! Here are some pictures of the visit.



Here is M opening her first gift on Christmas Eve:


And here is M kissing grandpa:


January:

Start to a new year. Life is good!

For Ari's birthday, we took her to As You Wish to paint pottery. She is a VERY good artist. So this was the perfect gift. While there Madelyn got to paint her birthday plate. Now she has a special plate to eat her cake off of every year!



My little vocalist:


Being a goof ball:


February:

Well, you already know we started February with a new niece. That was super exciting. We are actually flying to see her next week. Yay!! M said Tayten almost immediately. But of course I couldn't get it on video. So here she is kissing and saying hi to her.



I was also trilled when M put her shoes on for the first time all be herself. Again, this never happens on video. But this was pretty funny. Warning: nudity.




And her all time most annoying/most promising thing to do, play piano.


And some pics.



Well, that's the last three months in a nutshell. I feel like our little girl is growing up so fast. And she is so much fun to be around. I guess I am just loving being with her more than blogging. Yep. I can blame it on that. :o)

WHERE HAVE WE BEEN????

I have no clue. Just kidding. I know what we have been up to but it will just make me head spin to recap it all. In all, life is good and 2011 is shaping up to be a great year!

That being said, I am writing to announce that we have a new niece. Tayten Faith Thye was born yesterday 2.1.11, 7 pounds, 12 oz, 19 inches long. She is adorable, and I am a little partial to babies being born on the first of the month! In fact, I found it really hard not to be there to bombard Hillary and Jake with hugs and kisses (mainly because I want to hold that baby!) And of course I am so happy for Jake and Hill. I can't wait until Mad, Josh and I get to visit in March. It will be a nice trip. And M needs to learn that mommy can hold other babies or we are going to have issues around here!

So here's to my new little niece. I pray you stay as perfect and precious as you are today. Love you!!

What we are thankful for...

After a great Thanksgiving weekend with the fam (me, Josh and Mad) I had to write about how thankful I am to have them in my life. This past weekend was the first "time off" that Josh and I have had. No football games, no weddings, no band competitions, no meetings, just time together. We held Thanksgiving at our house so Josh and I cleaned Thursday morning, while I cooked. The Josh and I cleaned again Thursday night, then sat and watched some TV. Nothing super special, but it felt so nice. Then, as usual, I went Black Friday shopping with my mom and Regan and came home to a bare Christmas tree. While I decorated the tree and the inside of the house, Josh did the outside lights. Again, this is something we do year after year (now almost 8). The rest of the weekend went pretty fast. We lazed around. Watched football, ate dinner with friends, and I sang at church. Again, these are things we do all the time. But what I don't do all the time is sit back and reflect. I did today. I was sad that Josh had to go back to work. We had such a great time with him for four full days! But I was happy that I have my little girl to keep me company. She was very needy today (I think she is teething again) and just wanted to cuddle. I couldn't have spent a cold wintry day any other way. I so often get caught up in what is going on around me and the "things" I need to do, that I rarely stop and just take in the moment. Once I do that, I am reminded that there are few things in life that will matter in the end. I got to speak with a dear friend of mine this morning and she reminded me that most people do not look back on life and say they wish they cleaned more, or worked more. But they do wish they spent more time with family, with their kids, etc. She was telling me that her goal is just to have a peaceful home. I like that goal. As always, I am going to let that give me perspective. I also just want to have a God perspective. There is so much in this world that I am blind too because I am so drowning in my everyday life. I need to lift myself out of it and be thankful for what I have or enjoy what I have. Whatever it is... Anyway, so that is what I am thankful for. I am thankful that God has put good friends in my life to remind me of what really matters. And then I have a daughter who forces me to slow down. And I have moments with my husband that I cherish and keep me wanting more. I am so blessed. I am so thankful!

Speaking of thankful, a huge thank you to Gretchen for taking our family pictures again this year. xoxoxo

This shot was not working out so well...

I think this was one of the first pictures we took. We should have just saved ourselves the frustration. Oh boy!
We had her pinned in with our legs. I am super surprise she smiled here. Usually she does NOT like it when you pin her down.
We brought Ella and Regan along so they could get some cute girl shots. And Gretchen captured them perfectly. Ella is in love with Madelyn. She always wants to hug and kiss her. Madelyn wants to do her own thing.
But they both like holding hands. Awwww...




And here is "tee tee" and Miss Ella.

I LOVE this last one!

First Trip to Disneyland

I know this is a little outdated, but it is too important to just not post it.

Over Halloween weekend Mad and I traveled with Josh and his band to California for their marching band competition. The trip just sounded too fun to pass up. I was very reminiscent about the year before when Dave, Cheri and I followed the band with little Miss Thye to the competition and Magic Mountain. We had fun, so I thought I would do it again. Plus, Halloween is not my favorite holiday so I thought going to Disneyland sounded much more fun than trick or treating.

Side note, Josh's band is awesome! They scored very well in California, placing 3rd. Which is really good against California schools, who just might place their children in marching band as soon as they can walk. They always seem to be SO good. And on another side note, the DV band just won the State Competition beating out all other schools in the state by 3 points! Which again, is FANTASTIC! Now we are anxiously awaiting their Fiesta Bowl competition on December 30th. I am praying they win that too. I like winning....

Anyway, back to Disneyland. Here is how our day went, so you know while you are watching the slide show. We were only there for six hours. But that was plenty with a 15 month old.
- Got to Disneyland and took the shuttle into the park.
- Mad was so excited once we were there, she ran around for like 10 minutes.
- We rode the carousel (which she did a year ago at Magic Mountain too).
- We rode Dumbo.
- We took the Storybook Land boat tour.
- We rode the Nemo submarine tour.
- She took a nap and Josh and I joined some other staff members for lunch.
- She woke up from her nap but still laid on Uncle Drew's shoulder for about 20 minutes.
- Then she didn't want to do anything but play with the flowers (as you will see by Drew's little photo shoot). I figured we were in the Happiest Place on Earth, so she might as well do what makes her happy.
- She did meet Mary Poppins while picking flowers. She didn't care much for Burt. He tried to give her flowers and she ran away, picked her own and then gave them to Mary Poppins. It was really cute!